I gave everyone a break last year from my set of New Year's resolutions that McDuffie County and indeed the country should adopt. I outlined those for 2004, but decided to lay off everyone when 2005 rolled around.
But they haven't escaped forever. It's that time again, and I would like to say "Welcome 2006." I hope the satire doesn't sting too much.
(Here is a definition for those of you clueless enough to think I'd actually suggest some of the things that follow. Satire, noun: Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity)
On with the resolutions:
て｢ The Thomson Bulldogs and especially the old coach Luther Welsh should just hang it up next year. It's too difficult to do all that practicing and rebuilding after losing so many seniors. It's obviously going to be a bad year, and to top things off, nobody in town cares how they do anyway. With no support and no fans, they should stay home.
て｢ There shouldn't be any railroad crossing arms anywhere in the county. In 2006, we should resolve to tear them all down. Everyone who gets flattened while trying to cross the tracks deserves what they get. Safety, schmafety. We call that thinning the gene pool.
て｢ Taking a page from Columbia County, in 2006, McDuffie should move full steam ahead toward consolidation. Forget the rinky-dink towns that have their own identity. We should only have one government ruling the people of the county. Look at Richmond County; it worked for them, right?
て｢ The Department of Transportation ought to slow down this year. I say they've been working way too fast for us to keep up. The bypasses and interchanges on their docket have only been there for decades. The DOT should decide to take it easy; after all, everyone loves those 18-wheelers racing through downtown Thomson.
て｢ Wal-Mart has only been sued two dozen times in the past couple of days. They really should make a point this year to look out for the bottom line instead of wasting all that money on idiotic things like employee wages, benefits, health care and lunch breaks. Honestly people, shouldn't the main push of that company be to create unfathomable riches for everyone with the last name Walton?
て｢ Last, but not least, the president should get his war machine moving again. This Iraq deal was obviously a good idea and all. But I understand a few people think it's ridiculous, what with there being no weapons and no so-called "legitimate" reason to invade. Whatever. I say we pull out, let them have the place back and move on to the next hot sandy country on W's list. I hear Iran is nice this time of year.
Well, I hope everyone enjoyed those nuggets of satirical wisdom. Most of all, I hope 2006 comes with as much ridiculousness as 2005. That way, there'll always be something interesting to write about.