Honestly, I've never understood what Square Bob Sponge Pants and Tubby Bubbles have to do with Valentines Day. And it hurts my feelings that my children would rather exchange rubbish from a box than make quirky homemade cards.
They probably think I will embarrass them; that their friends are too cool to receive a fold-over with truck tracks painted on it and lettered, You drive me wild or I'm making tracks for you or even Don't roll over my heart, Say you'll be mine.
When I tried to get them to help me bag and tag heart-shaped, home-cooked, pink playdough, they rolled their eyes and said, "You don't really expect us to give people that stuff do you?" Even my husband took up the cause for them. Clearly, no one around here is Putty in my hands.
One year I sat down with the kids to make sucker people to look like each of them. I gathered brightly colored lollipops and cut-outs of hair, clothes, arms and legs. When my brood started giggling, I turned around just in time to see their father rolling his eyes. None of them sent valentines that read, I'm a sucker for your love.
But I gave my honey a note saying, I'm only crazy, because of you.
The year I offered to help my hubby make valentine greetings for all of his employees, he scoffed at me. But I pressed on, telling him my fabulous ideas for meaningful messages. For his mechanic, a wrench with a note saying, You tighten my bolts, Valentine. For his cashier, a boxing glove labeled, Valentine, you punch my keys. And for his party crew, an origami tent and the words, You keep the rain off my parade.
As you may have already guessed, he declined my generous offer.
My family's lack of participation in my manufacturing efforts has not left me flat, however. I have lots of ideas boiling around in my head. And since no one around here wants them, I'm going to share them with the world. Do with them what you please.
The mortician in town may want to send remembrances to the love of his life. Red paper with the wording, I hold you em the balm of my hand, Sweetheart, should express the right emotion.
Maybe the pest control man has a little crush on a sweet, single customer. He could hang a reminder like, La-ter mite you want to go out?, on the doorknob. The cable guy can express his love with, Baby, you change my channels or Highspeed, straight to your heart or Di gi tal the world you're mine?
Perhaps you want to surprise your kids or a pal with a good old fashioned yo-yo and a card that says, Yo! Yo my valentine. Others might prefer handing out Slinkies, with the sentiment, Didn't want to spring it on you, but you're mine.
That last one might also serve stalkers well.
A weatherman trying to woo back a wayward darling could send a handmade heart with a cloud partially covering the sun accompanied by the line, My heart is partly cloudy without you. For extra umph, attach it to a dozen roses and a box of Godiva chocolates.
Plastic surgeons and drycleaners, in a sense in the same type of business, might both use, My love will take the wrinkles out of your heart.
Lastly, for all the traditionalists out there, from me to you, here's a very simple one that says it all: I'm stuck on you like gum on shoe.
Have a happy Valentines Day!