In recent news conferences held around the area, state, and country the following announcements have been made:
īThe McDuffie and Warren County school systems have merged. The high school will be called McWarren and the sports nickname will be the Devil's Dog. The combined enrollment will effectively make the school the smallest in Class AAAAA.
To ensure equity, home games will alternate between the Brickyard and the football field in Warrenton.
īPresident Michael Adams has added a $20 surcharge to all UGA sports tickets to supplement his salary and hire more bodyguards.
"All other businesses charge extra fees so why not us?" asked Adams. "I need more protection because our faculty, students and fans hate me and all the public travel between my Athens home, the two in Atlanta and the lodge in Costa Rica is dangerous."
īThe NCAA will now allow schools to set up tattoo parlors courtside during basketball games. Young fans can copy their favorite players' body markings for a fee. All proceeds will go to the Title IX enforcement division.
īMajor League baseball has capped players' salaries at $10,000,000 per season if the player promises to avoid steroids, $9,999,999 if he won't make that promise.
"We can't chance alienating fans by possibly cutting down on homeruns and the players' union thinks the guys can survive on these figures," said Commissioner Bud Selig. "They may have to sell a Land Rover or two though."
īThe Augusta-Richmond County Commission voted unanimously to build a 20,000-seat sports arena with tax money from Columbia, Burke and McDuffie counties. It will be built near Silver Bluff High School in Aiken County, on land condemned by SRS.
"The only people that will support the events live in the outlying counties. We didn't plan for Aiken County money because they need it to finish the Bobby Jones Expressway," reported the commission chairman.
"Placing the arena near Silver Bluff will make it convenient for the local stations to cover events since their reporters have condos on that campus," said the arena's Public Relations Coordinator, Butch Jacobs.
April Fools! I hope!