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Beware of the dangers of Increased Gravity Syndrome

Scientists claim the ozone layer has holes in it. A devastating knock to the earth's ecosystem for which women bear the blame, evidently, because of widespread use of aerosol cans in previous decades.

Equally alarming, global warming threatens to drown us all with melted icebergs. Either way, life as we know it will end, and very likely, as mankind has done for thousands of years, we'll suck it up and deal with it. Or we'll die.

Despite my stoicism, I must alert you to another devastating ecological revolution, which threatens current and future generations alike. Not through infinitesimal changes each millennium, but with a visible mark on humankind by the very annum. I speak of the tremendous intensification in the gravitational pull of the earth over the last 35 years.

Not normally a fear monger, I don't mean to whip everyone into frenzy. May I merely suggest that you all take a long look at yourselves in the mirror? Just like me, your chins and earlobes droop toward the ground more noticeably than they did, say, even ten years ago. Ask yourselves what might cause such terrible consequences to the human face, I mean human race.

The ever increasing gravitational tug causes bellies to lop over belt loops and breasts to nuzzle navels. So much so, the market now offers a vast array of super-duper, heavy duty, cross your eyeballs, miracle working brassieres. You might judge this as a coincidence, but I promise a geologic conspiracy has taken root; one from which experts feel they must protect the average American.

Many people today suffer from Increased Gravity Syndrome (IGS, a term coined here first). My parents' suffer IGS, evidenced by their shrinking stature. Before long, people will mistakenly catch my leprechaun-ish procreators and hold them captive until they give up the gold.

And if you will recall, while driving a tent stake into asphalt, the aforementioned force of nature took hold of my spouse's sledge hammer and slammed it down on his big toe. Thankfully, he barely recalls the incident, since his eyes filled with tears and he passed out, at which time gravity dealt him another blow, by snatching him onto his face.

The insurance company rejected our claim of IGS. We have an appeal pending.

I feel morally obligated to raise awareness of this grave crisis. After all, holes in the ozone may result in more sunburn, but nothing a little SPF 30 won't prevent. And global warming might lead to icebergs melting one-one millionth of a millimeter every fifty years. But I think we have plenty of time to build a boat.

This gravity problem, on the other hand, poses imminent and irreversible damage to us all. Do you think citizens should needlessly suffer through the pain of upper arm flesh perilously dangling toward our planet's surface?

I urge each and every one of you to call your senator, call your representative, call your county extension agent, or call the postmaster general. Call, and demand that they address this urgent issue.

Then I implore you to donate money to the aid fund I started, Advancing Against Gravitational Explosion (Advancing-AGE, for short). Monies raised may pay for research grants, but will more likely sponsor extensive plastic surgery (my own) to combat IGS.

Act today.

Web posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005


Temperature:53° F
Wind:from the W at 5 MPH
Visibility:10 miles
Dew Point:53° F
Updated: 04-Nov-2010 10:01

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