Four types of gardeners bloom in the flowerbed of life; each distinguished by specific personality traits and physical characteristics. After careful observation, I have determined that who we are essentially boils down to how we cope with weeds. Which type are you?
Weed Pullers -- These individuals demand instant gratification, and preoccupy themselves with busyness. People in this group enjoy repetitive tasks. They contentedly pull the offspring of the weeds they pulled the week prior.
Although he rarely engages in the extremely risky behaviors demonstrated by Weed Killers, the Weed Puller doesn't mind the uncertainty of whether he eradicated the entire wild intruder, roots and all.
Of the four personality types, this cluster displays the most spontaneity, as demonstrated by impulsively pulling weeds at random, even in neighbor's yards.
A weed puller's physique resembles that of the old gray mule: muscular biceps, bad back and callused knees. She also boasts a highly recognizable derri╦re.
Weed Pullers have the best interpersonal relationships with Weed Preventers, but, for health reasons, should steer clear of Weed Killers.
Their Motto: Beauty is only skin deep.
Weed Killers -- As a collection, these gardeners are calculating, power hungry, control freaks. Repetition bores them. Therefore, the Weed Killer will fully cure a weed situation the first time, despite the risk of slaughtering landscaping. The unknown of where the poisonous over-spray landed pumps his adrenalin.
Weed Killers do not tolerate weaknesses exhibited by yard warriors unwilling to make significant sacrifices for the overall good. These horticulturists cringe at the term "naturalist," and believe chemicals are man's best friend.
Physical characteristics include a strong trigger finger and excellent eyes for dead aim.
Weed Killers should seek relationships with Weed Watchers and avoid contact with Weed Pullers. The pairing of two Weed Killers, notably, will result in nothing but decimation in their path.
Their Motto: The end justifies the means.
Weed Preventers -- Members of this classification display punctuality, but have less spontaneity than cicadas that mate once every twenty years. Weed Preventers plan their calendars months, even years, in advance.
Meticulous perfectionists, they wear their best Ralph Lauren trousers, blouses, hats and gardening gloves while working in the yard. Weed Preventers do not sweat, perspire or glisten, and can easily move from pruning the roses to serving a six course meal for 12.
Ordinary annuals frustrate these botanists, who, after careful study, often add new and interesting fauna to their beds.
Physically, these individuals tend to have slim, trim figures, with which they were naturally blessed.
Weed Preventers find the best mates in Weed Pullers, but should never, ever, ever accept a social invitation from a Weed Watcher, or marry a Weed Killer.
Their Motto: A stitch in time saves nine.
Weed Watchers -- They don't have time to pull, kill or prevent weeds because of football, baseball, soccer, NASCAR, water polo and synchronized swimming events on ESPN.
Weed Watchers refuse to face problems, letting plants proliferate out of control before taking any measures. It requires immense stimulation to overwhelm this group, or even get its members to shift.
They embrace change, however; particularly changing channels, or changing seasons causing weeds to die and sports to begin and end.
Their distinguishing physical characteristic is a large, protruding belly muscle, cultivated on the sofa and fertilized with beer.
Weed Watchers have difficulty finding anyone who wants to share life with them. To live in perfect harmony they should stay single, or hope another Weed Watcher will crop up next to them on the couch.
Their Motto: What weeds?