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A dreaded choice

So have I ever mentioned that buying a birthday present for my wife is about the most difficult thing I've ever imagined doing?

No. Well, let me assure all of you women out there, the husband eating his cereal across the table from you is agreeing with me. He may be doing it silently, but he's behind me all the way.

First on the "maybe" list is clothes. If I buy too small, she'll feel fat. If I buy too big, she'll feel like I think she's fat.

Plus, if I buy something not quite her style, she'll think I consider her style as tacky. And if I go stylish, inevitably it will show too much skin, and she'll be self conscious and - you guessed it - feel fat.

Scratch clothes off the list - with an obnoxiously large red pen please.

Next is the age-old option of a nice card with money inside. I can imagine the reaction to that one. "I'm glad you took your time and thought of something real special," she'd say very sarcastically. Yeah that would go over well.

Plus the second round of assault would be that the money all comes from the same place, so it's really like she gave the money to herself, and what good is that. My argument that any present I bought had also come from the same funding source would be ignored because it's "not the point."

Back to the drawing board, once again.

How about a nice summer-type book to read on vacation? Take away the fact that I get nauseous in the presence of romance novel drivel, and it could be a good idea. That is until I choose one she's already read. Oops.

I can't keep up with what books I've read. Why am I responsible for what she's read in the past decade? Plus, that book with "Alaska" in the title had a little less of a puke-inducing affect than the rest.

I finally just settled on a nice pocket-sized digital camera that I won't be able to figure out how to use because it has no controls on it. Just point it and shoot, which she said is the perfect kind for her. Not that I'm trying to say she stupid by any means, just not camera literate.

She's mentioned that our old one is dying, so it seemed the perfect gift. She said she didn't want the same one my sister bought, so I ordered a different one. Then on her birthday, she calls me and says she'll settle for the same model as my sister. I've come to realize I can't win.

So I'd like to wish her a happy birthday. And now that the camera's here, a nice birthday meal would be the perfect addition. I just hope she doesn't think it will make her fat.

Web posted on Thursday, May 25, 2006

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