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Mama said you'd go blind

The news poured in that Viagra, and other "recreational" drugs like it, has side effects, other than the obvious, allegedly causing sudden blindness in 43 satisfied customers. The reported cases of ocular lights out occurred within hours of ingesting the mood enhancing medicine.

Now the FDA plans to develop new labeling requirements for uppers of this kind. I have a few re-labeling suggestions of my own:

  • Caution. If you purchased this product from those crazy Canadians across the northern border, who sell pharmaceuticals at unheard of low prices here in the states, then many politicians would have you believe it may be tainted. Canadians secretly conspire to take over North America, and they will do it by blinding one randy old goat at a time.

  • Warning. Old men may go blind, before or after taking this medication; in both cases probably due to a stroke. Nevertheless, those fortunate few who lose their sight subsequent to taking advantage of some pretty octogenarian, or, rather, some prescribed pills, may have grounds for a lawsuit.

  • Notice. Your mother always told you if you diddled with it too much, the Lord would strike you blind. So far God has gone easy on you by only taking away your potency. Forty-three done-got-lucky sots, however, who didn't heed His warning, are now sightless. Use at your own risk.

    Men report they will continue to take the gamble for a night of unbridled passion, particularly since many users find themselves nearing the end of the life cycle and are desiring to go out on top. They still believe it's a good bang for their buck and, not only that, but they also quite enjoy groping in the dark.

    Nick Ransom of Atlanta summed it up nicely for an Atlanta Journal-Constitution reporter when he said, "Given the nature of the product and what it does, you have to remember that men have risked far more than their eyes."

    Mr. Ransom shared his insight, and added to his credibility, while teasing death itself to meet a mate. He chanced bodily obliteration beneath a fully functioning, erect, twenty-five story crane, high above Peachtree Road, from which another desperate fellow taunted the sensibilities of citizens, and ran the possibility of plummeting onto voyeurs below.

    Apparently, the crowd of spectators gawking at the stand-off included hot chicks. I suppose Mr. Ransom hoped, just by looking so brave in the face of danger, some of the high emotion might get directed toward him.

    So really, the men grow older but their methods and motivations generally remain the same, with a little tweaking by the folks at Pfizer. The one difference between young guys and old guys is the lines they use to coerce sweet things into yielding to their affections.

    Young chaps commonly bank on the persuasive powers of, "If you love me, you will." And although many of us can think of other claims lads have made about undue physical harm, only Dr. Ruth Westheimer could get away with mentioning them here.

    Old dudes, however, for the moment, may have more pull than the whippersnappers; when they say "C'mon honey. I've got less than four hours left on this meter, and if you don't, I might go blind," they actually, now, have a small amount of evidence to back it up. And, knowing seventy-five year olds, they can probably whip out an AARP sponsored medical report in the heat of the moment.

    But you old gals need to be savvier than your teenage counterparts, and say "Well, then, honey, I guess that you won't Cialis anymore."

    Web posted on Thursday, June 9, 2005

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