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Questions and answers

Q: Dear Mrs. Adams,

As you seem knowledgeable about the little things in life, I hope you might help me with my problem.

I love the beach. Our kids love the beach. My husband loves to pester me at the beach. Every summer he starts in about the same old thing: trying to get me into a bikini.

He tells me that I don't have many more years that I can still wear one in public. I guess he means that soon I will resemble an old hag, and he wants to view my scenery before he can't stand to look at it anymore.

His favorite line, "you would look better than her in a bikini," does not encourage me, since Jabba the Hut would look better than her in a bikini. Alan Alda would look better than her in a bikini. My husband would even look better than her in a bikini.

He also cleverly uses the tactic of pointing out to me women with whom I would compare favorably, in his mind's eye. Usually he picks out single twenty-somethings who haven't had anything, ever, fight its way out of their abdomens. My bellybutton no longer looks like a cute little "O." Its shape more reminds me of droopy oval holes in the stretched out earlobes of an old lady who wore twenty carat diamond earrings her whole adult life, only not so ritzy.

Should my children, as well as other unsuspecting tourists, suffer through my husband and, I'm certain, a myriad of other men ogling me in my teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini?

Yours Truly,

B. Kheeny

A: Dear B. Kheeny,

You must consider two things in this situation. On the one hand you may sacrifice your children's innocence for the sake of your husband's satisfaction. On the other hand, once a person hits 35 she begins hurtling toward her final demise at an inexplicable rate and doesn't have much time remaining to let it all hang out, so to speak.

If you desire to put an end to your spouse's relentless barrage of bikini remarks, explain to him that children, boys in particular, do not want to ever in their entire lives think of their mother as "sexy," or think of anyone else thinking of her that way, not even their father. They want to believe their parents conceived them through a mortal form of immaculate conception and that they entered the world by osmosis. End of story.

Yet, at the same time, you might want to grasp hold of the final opportunity to expose a larger portion of your flesh to the sun than you have in years, while you still appeal to your spouse. Don't fear the bumps, bulges and sags. Tanning fat and flab converts it instantaneously to muscle.

So you don't feel comfortable with a bikini now, in a few years you might decide to give it a try. Your time frame for exhibitionism extends far beyond your husband's imagination. I've seen fossils on the beach, and I know for a fact that they wear the dreaded two-piece. Their skin looks like leather, and they pull up their knees to sit down in a beach chair. Children intently search the sand for their teeth.

All in all, a good rule of thumb is to wear a bathing suit that makes you and your daddy feel comfortable.

Web posted on Friday, June 11, 2004

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