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Advice for the about-to-be-married

For my brother, on the eve of his nuptials:

Know thyself.

Men are skilled at burying a dead animal in the backyard, no matter how bad the carcass smells. Women, on the other hand, are gifted at disinfecting after children's midnight vomiting sessions.

Since pledging to love, honor and cherish my husband, I've come to the realization that men and women are dissimilar in a variety of ways; and it doesn't necessarily take death to part us.

Only a man would clean up an overflowing toilet with fresh bath towels from the linen closet, overlooking the basket of rags on the very same shelf.

Only a woman would put a measuring cup into the dishwasher, after using it merely to measure water.

Only a man would stand with the refrigerator door wide open, looking directly at the orange juice, and yell, "Hey! Where's the orange juice?"

Only a woman would covertly rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher, after her husband and children pulled KP to generously give her the evening off.

Only a man would consider sitting on the sofa watching TV for three hours "doing something productive."

Only a woman would plan six insurmountable projects for an eight hour time span on a Saturday, and feel dismayed and disappointed when her husband didn't finish them.

Only a man would leave a voice mail message that said, "Call me," and nothing more.

Only a woman would leave a message that went on so long that voice mail hung up on her ... and then call back to continue.

Only a man would feel offended if someone referred to his ensemble as an outfit, or to his outfit as an ensemble.

Only a woman would describe her clothes as apparel, her socks as accessories, and her watch as jewelry.

Only a man would say, "Quit dressing him like a girl."

Only a woman would proudly coordinate the attire of herself and her offspring to harmonize with specific themes, like holidays or vacation destinations.

Only a man would store a ladder in the bedroom, claiming to need it convenient for frequent use, and then not touch it for six months, except to hang his dirty underwear on it.

Only a woman would talk relentlessly of getting organized, never admitting that it's about as organized as it will ever get ... with a man in the house.

Only a man would try a "shortcut" without a map, directions, or any assurance that driving two hours out of the way will increase family bonding while on vacation.

Only a woman would maneuver her car over a paper bag in the road, straddling it with the wheels, and say, "Oh my. What was that," when the bag, which is actually a rock, rips off the exhaust pipe.

Only a man would drop $70 to play a round of golf and then have the nerve to question his wife's sensibilities in regard to a shoe purchase.

Only a woman would buy a pair of $70 shoes that matched one outfit, sport them twice, and decide she couldn't wear them anymore, because everyone would recognize the getup from prior occasions.

The point: Most couples suffer irreconcilable differences from the get go. Nature made it so. Forget that clichˆ© about never going to bed angry. The night is too short.

I have found it invaluable to know my role, put on blinders, walk away, say nothing, and always think to myself, "For better or for worse, for better or for worse, for better or for worse..."



Web posted on Wednesday, June 22, 2005











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