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Ridin' the pine

It seems to me that the mentality toward sports in this country is "If we didn't create it, then it's not worth watching." (Begin satire.)

Well, I agree.

Baseball was invented here in the states. Football and basketball fall into the same category. I think - like most Americans - that sports not created by us are a waste of time.

Some crazy foreigners made up soccer. What a crock. Kick a ball around a huge fi eld and never score. Scoring is awesome; sports should have lots of it. Defense is worthless. That's why all over the world, everyone hates soccer.

Football is way more popular than soccer, right. That's the way it should be. We came up with it, so we should pay people obscene amounts of money to do it and make the people who play soccer starve.

Besides, why shouldn't you be able to use your hands? I mean, carrying or throwing a ball around a field is so much better than just kicking it. It takes no skill to just kick it in the goal. You should be allowed to run it in.

Not to mention with soccer there's no driving people in the ground like there is with football. No violence. Yeah, they run into each other at full speed with no pads on, but that's being a sissy. If you want to avoid being a sissy, put on some pads.

That's my advice to all the pansies who play rugby. Put on some pads when you want to hit someone in a game. That's the real man's way of doing it, or at least the American man's way of doing it.

What about track and fi eld. The Greeks came up with giving prizes for running the fastest around a circle. How dumb is that.

But NASCAR, that is the best. Driving around in a circle is great - because Americans thought of it. So a hundred thousand people show up to car races. Millions watch the races on TV, but nobody wants to see some stupid track meet.

The same thing goes for cricket, with all those English guys trying to swing a fl at bat. It's such a confusing game with the two "bases" made of sticks. It's so much easier to understand when you have twice that many bases and when people take steroids so they can hit the ball further.

Yeah, sports are so much better here. So make sure you don't watch anybody else's sports. OK, maybe you can, but just once to check them out. But you'll come back; I know you will.

Remember the Olympics.

They're coming up soon, and they're full of non-American sports. You can dabble in them for a couple of weeks, just as long as you lose interest soon after and settle back in to our sports - for another four years (end satire).

The world is bigger than your back yard.



Web posted on Thursday, August 5, 2004


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