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Learing the modern lingo

In a recent on-line article on leadership, the author wielded words like Xerox subsidy, adminisphere, and salmon day. Another piece on American culture included acronyms, WOOF, SMUM, DINK, without explanation, as if any random idiot would recognize them.

I consulted my Webster. Unfortunately, even though he used to know it all, he doesn't have a clue anymore.

After writing a long list of unfamiliar internet words and what I thought they meant, I scoured the WWW for definitions. Just for fun, I compiled this little quiz using my errant guesses and the true meanings.

Are you wordly wise, or do you, like me, suffer wordly woes. Take my test on modern vocabulary to find out:

1. Ringxiety (n.):

a. An intense and uncontrollable fear of commitment.

b. A phobia of bells.

c. An ailment common among circus performers.

d. In a crowd, trepidation over not knowing whose cell phone rang.

2. Cryovacking (v.):

a. Removing crying youngsters from a crowded restaurant.

b. Vacuuming in cold weather.

c. Preserving dead bodies for future animation by vacuum-packing and then freezing them.

d. Cooking vacuum-packed food by slowly warming it in water.

3. Guyliner (n.):

a. Phrases single women say to meet men.

b. Phrases single men say to meet women.

c. Phrases single men say to meet men.

d. Eyeliner designed for and used by men.

4. Cankles (n.):

a. Mouth sores.

b. The obstetrical term for the sounds newborn babies make.

c. A type of candy similar to skittles.

d. Another name for tree-trunk legs.

5. Face-blind (n.):

a. The piece of fabric that covers the face of Muslim women.

b. A roll down brim on a hat, designed to block the sun.

c. A strategy for boxing-out opponent players in soccer.

d. An inability to recognize faces.

6. Banana fold (n.):

a. An origami technique.

b. The place on the banana peel where it laps over itself when loosened from the fruit.

c. A banana tree farm and all the people living there.

d. Excess fat below the butt.

7. Feature fatigue (n.):

a. A condition suffered by beauty pageant contestants.

b. What happens to hot, prime-time television shows after running several seasons.

c. The proper diagnosis, required by insurance companies, to justify the medical necessity of plastic surgery.

d. Mental exhaustion caused by products that come with too many functions and buttons.

8. Dirt pill (n.):

a. What a person takes when getting a dose of her own medicine.

b. A new, suburban housewife way of condensing gossip for easier dissemination.

c. The latest trend in birthday-party treats for preschoolers.

d. A pill designed to stimulate the immune systems of children with allergies.

9. Muffin top (n.):

a. A Dorothy Hammill haircut.

b. The dust cloud that hangs over the top of an erupting volcano.

c. An umbrella that won't turn inside out in the wind.

d. Belly fat that flops over the top of low-rise jeans.

10. Swipeout (n.):

a. A method of stealing merchandise.

b. The gang term for a hit.

c. An overdraft caused by using an ATM card recklessly.

d. A credit card with the magnetic strip worn out.

(All answers are d. Give yourself 2,458,719 points for each correct answer. If you got 2,458,719 points, or more, you're one hip dude, and you're probably spending too much time in chatrooms or the employee lounge. If you didn't know any, then scratch your grundle, fix your wings, quit your newsfasting, and ask the nearest freshmore what percussive maintenance means.)

Web posted on Thursday, October 05, 2006

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