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Santa with a six pack?

So there's this group in Britain that's asking - and in some cases helping - Santa Claus become a more healthy example for the children of the world.

I'll let that sink in for a minute.

That's right, the fat man in the red suit is getting an extreme makeover of sorts.

There's even one shopping chain in England that has created a Santa boot camp, according to an article at

"(The) Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolize him," a spokeswoman said in the article. "He will still be the same lovable jolly man, but will be fitter and healthier."


I can see it now, the politically correct revisionists taking their pens to classics like €˜Twas the Night Before Christmas:

He had a thin face and a nice flat belly,That didn't move when he laughed cause he ate sugar-free jelly.

He was lean and strong, a right healthy old elf,

And I was encouraged when I saw him, to exercise myself€¦

Kinda loses its charm, doesn't it?

Now, I'm all for living healthier and making better choices in life (Do as I say, kids, not as I do€¦), but this is getting a little extreme. The article even quotes experts asking families to forgo the traditional mince pie treats for Santa, and leave something healthy instead.

"He can have a pie every so often but try to squeeze in a few carrots as well," said one scientist.

Aren't the carrots for the reindeer? What are they supposed to eat now, huh? Isn't that some kind of animal cruelty?

Anyway, it makes me wonder what's next?

In the last few years, the crosshairs have been focused on the Christ in Christmas, with some people and businesses shifting toward "Happy Holidays" as their preferred seasonal greeting.

And there's always someone willing to look at the season of giving through greed-colored glasses and criticize people for not sharing more with others.

But there's one danger left that few people have even considered: reindeer emissions.

With the emphasis on saving the planet and more and more modes of transportation becoming extra environmental friendly, it only makes sense to monitor the, uh, deer deposits. After all, if some of the global warming alarmists can point to the rear ends of cows as the culprits, why can't reindeer shoulder some of that stench too?

In this case, there's actually an easy solution that doesn't involve boot camps or ridiculous environmental controls. Santa's elves just need to get to work on harnessing that energy - you know, piping it away from Santa's direction and using it to power the sleigh in some stretches. Methane burns pretty well, I hear, and it would save on Santa's magic.

Then maybe Santa can breathe a breath of fresh air while he's delivering presents to the world.

Web posted on Thursday, December 13, 2007

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