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Life's Little Horrifying Horoscopes for 2007

Behold, Madame Lucy presents your astrological fallout for the New Year. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. I studied the chart at the Chinese restaurant the last time I picked up my take-out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) - 2006 knocked you around a bit. Get out of the garden and spit out those worms. Stand in front of a mirror and repeat, out loud, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." I saw this work on television once.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 18) - This is the end of life as you know it. Take 2 aspirins and drink an apple martini. If you don't feel fine in the a.m., wrap a pecan in an heirloom tablecloth and sew the edges together with orange thread. Throw a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Now that you feel really silly, go out and face the change.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) - A pack of stray dogs may come through your neighborhood in a couple of months. Rub the ears of the one that licks the back of your hand. Cupid will smile upon this. But you'll have to wait a while for the arrow to hit its mark.

Aries (March 21-April19) - By all means, get that irregular mole checked. It should be digging up your yard, not begging for scraps on the front porch. In the process, you might even discover your long lost parasitic twin.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) - An odd and mysterious bearded visitor will come to your door bearing trinkets made in Taiwan. Give this person a bowl of your grandmother's homemade peach cobbler and a tall glass of sweet iced tea. Your good luck and your cats will multiply exponentially. Your offspring will prosper and have purple tongues.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) - Go to the zoo. Spend time in front of the gorilla enclosure and consider what evolution has done for you. Instead of going to work in a cubicle everyday, you could be sitting on a rock in the nude, chewing a blade of grass.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) - Invest in a good pair of hip-waders. It's getting really deep out there.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) - Hometowns love heroes like you. You will exceed, by 3 minutes, the Guinness Book record for the length of time a man can hold apples in his armpits. Unfortunately, your new record will be beaten by another guy before your name can be printed in the book. Still, isn't it great to be you?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - While tiptoeing through the tulips, you hear your garden gnomes getting rowdy. It's a good sign a leprechaun is in the vicinity. He's hiding in the Black-eyed Susans because he thinks you won't break their arms for a pot of gold. Would you?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - You will have an odd entanglement with a fishing pole, two cows, and the farmer's daughter. The hook gets snagged in a place that forever changes your life. Just another reason Mama said not to go fishing in the dark.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) - I see shoes in your future - lots and lots of shoes. It's like you died and went to Italy, or to Imelda Marcos' closet. The best part is that every shoe fits.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - So far, you've done a good job flying under the radar. This might be the year that the road rises to meet you. Such a cosmic event could result in careless handling of fireworks. BANG!

All in good fun, as 2007 should be. Happy New Year!

Web posted on Thursday, December 28, 2006

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