With 2006 knocking at the door, I've got a lot of things to do between now and midnight on New Year's Eve. I wax weary from considering it.
Before "Auld Lang Sine" plays I must write a novel, read 10 books for pleasure, quit yelling at my kids, make five new friends, complete a major charity project done out of selfless altruism, call my mother 52 times, remember all the birthdays I forgot in 2004, advance my career, clean behind the refrigerator, find 3,650 minutes to meditate, read the Bible from Genesis to Revelations, run a marathon, do 12 romantic things for my husband, go on a fabulous vacation sans children, learn to speak Spanish, host a neighborhood party, alphabetize my spices, and teach the dog a new trick - all by Jan. 1.
Pray for me.
Resolutions require constancy of purpose, commitment, dedication and life-enhancing labor; things for which I obviously have no constitution. So, for 2006, I will make no promises to change, improve, or otherwise grow in character or skill. In the coming year I shall instead take on the noble task of contemplating the great universal mysteries of life:
If Waffle House is open 24 hours a day, why does it have locks on the doors? If I see a sign instructing me to "Watch for Falling Rock," what do I do if I see one? What is a HAZMAT and why can't it go into tunnels?
Is there a little truth in every joke? Who is Sam-I-Am's arch nemesis in Green Eggs and Ham? Why do bad words have four letters?
Why do cats sprint through open doors? Why do children announce they "can't hold it" half-mile past the last inhabited interstate exit for the next 40 miles? Why do I always have an extra bill every time I have extra cash?
If I build it, will they come? If they come, will they ever leave?
Which is scarier, an attic or a basement? Why do stairs only creak when I'm sneaking? Why do I still jump into bed from the light switch so that nothing grabs my ankles?
What is the meaning of this? Who are they and how did they become experts? Why did you do that? Who do you think you are?
If the plural of louse is lice, and the plural of mouse is mice, is more than one spouse spice?
How long does the seven year itch last? How many miles can my car go after the gas light comes on? How many peas should a five year old stuff up his nose to qualify for dessert?
Why is it called deer hunting and not deer sniping or, in my husband's case, bird watching? Does Bo still know? What is a Hoosier and is its bite worse than the bark of a Whatsier, a Whensier, a Wheresier or a Howsier?
How exactly would I use nail clippers as a weapon on a plane? Why do I continue to hopefully watch the baggage carousel, waiting for my luggage to rotate through, even after the other passengers empty it and the attendant cuts the power? Is flying really faster?
Should I feel obligated to a triple dog dare? Why can't I have anything nice? Where does time go? What would Jesus do if he opened the refrigerator and a container of spaghetti sauce fell out and splattered on his Prada sandals?
Why did we care who shot J.R.? Why did Disco get a bad rap? Where is Waldo?
What does "Auld Lang Sine" mean?
Happy New Year!